


Catalysts and Crescendos

by silasfinch



Series: Last Tango in Halifax [1]
Category: Last Tango In Halifax
Genre: Apologies, F/F, Family Feels, Gen, No Lesbians Die, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2020-01-12 12:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18446918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: Caroline and Kate deserve far better. These are my many one-shots for them. I'm still bitter.9.1.2020: Obligatory Christmas One Shot.





	1. Chapter 1

 

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backwards, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.” Anais Nin

 

"Eric Clapton and Elton John"

Kate Mckenzie felt her eyebrows furrow in confusion. She tried vainly to figure out how the two legendary singers fitted into their deliberately light conversion, over Caroline's ridiculously expensive tea. Naturally, it was a week into their friendship that the fellow teacher memorised precisely how she liked her beverages. The modern languages teacher ideally wondered if recent insomnia had dulled her mental faculties and possibly Caroline's as well given the reviews coming up.

"I'm not following" Kate confessed after several fruitless efforts to make the connection.

"That's who was top of the charts last time I did anything that remotely approached dating or getting to know someone" Caroline explained softly with a embarrassed half smile.

"There are many reasons I fell for you Caroline, but the relevance of your musical references wasn't even a consideration," Kate said laughing, still unsure if this is the start of yet another tangent of self-doubt.

"My point is I want to do better, you deserve far better, but tomorrow I'm still going to have two teenagers, a bitter soon to be ex-husband, a meddling mother and severe workaholic tendencies. I'll still be hopeless at articulating myself."

"I know all this. We have discussed your circumstances in some detail " Kate said drily turning so that they were facing each other more squarely.

"I don't want you to be dragged into all this, be the subject of cruel gossip when the end result" here Caroline paused to swallow painfully "may not even be worth it."

The languages teacher has enough life experience to know that dycotomies exist in human nature, especially without the absolutism of youth. The extremes of Caroline's character, from brilliant headmistress to fretful and insecure are exhausting at times. Kate doesn't doubt this relationship is worth, but she often doubts her ability to convince her colleague of the same. There are so many ghosts of the past. Both her grandmothers would have much to say on topic if not the specifics. 

Kate put her cup down and gently clasped Caroline's free hand, silently causing John, Celia and whoever else played havoc of the older woman's self-esteem.Caroline looked as if she expected Kate to bolt at the slightest provocation or misstep. Of course, there were plenty of missteps to choose from in the beginning - many of her queer friends judge this relationship harshly without even meeting her lover.

"That's for me to decide."

"I'm nearly 40 years old Caroline Do you really think I went into this on a whim? Do you think I routinely make moves on my colleagues, much less my boss?. Believe or not, confessing to a crush during an admin day is not my standard procedure. Your mother may be a piece of work and oddly persuasive, in her own way, but she didn't force me here."

Caroline smiled wanly " All I've done over the last 5 months is a rant, sob and curse. I'm hardly the stuff anyone's dreams are made of..." Kate silenced the too familiar litany with a gentle but passionate kiss; she was thrilled to feel the headmistress respond eagerly.

Caroline needed kinder voices in her head. She is a lover of chemistry with precise formulas and equations, where few of the baseline answers cause any ambivalence - of course, these emotions are throwing her through a loop. Kate ideally wonders who if anybody the fearsome Dr Elliot confides her pain to at 3 in the morning.

"Amanda Tyler"

It was Caroline's turn to blink in confusion distracted by her companion's long neck as it flushed prettily. The headmistress was struck with the urge to finger the soft black curl that had escaped the harried ponytail. It's still strange how many of these moments of lust occur without any warning. Her mental index of pupils takes a second to place the name.

"She's the reason I fall for you" Kate offers with a tender smile.

"The young girl with severe dyslexia who was determined to get into medical school to become an Immunologist in Africa but struggled with fundamental chemistry?" Caroline clarifies slowly.

"You gave up your lunch hour to tutor her and liaised with learning support to produce study aides," Kate said, leaning to stroke an errant strand of hair back into place, delighting in reaction the simple move provoked.

Kate continued almost shyly still vaguely embarrassed at how the overheard lessons in the student resource centre had made her all but swoon. It's almost pathetic that she would try to time her breaks to hear the tutoring. There was just something about the patience with which Caroline had explained covariant bonds that warmed her heart - especially when the experienced tutor knew first hand how difficult the morning may have been post-separation.

It elicited heated responses in other areas that were at once thrilling and mystifying.

"How do you..."

"Her brother's in the choir and is dead proud of his big sister," Kate says truthfully if not entirely accurately.

"Ah that's lovely," Caroline said trying not to be distracted by fingers tracing her cheekbone.

"You are still magnificent Caroline even with zero sleep you still make my head spin - no how anonymous you try and make your good deeds from people at large."

It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to sink into Kate's offered lap, rearranging themselves on the couch for an extended stay- with both the boys staying at respective friends houses there was little chance of interruption. Kate doesn't exact a wild night after their emotional confrontations but just spending time together is enough.

As always the conversation flowed smoothly between them only now there was no obsessive boundaries or flinching at casual intimacy.

"Tell me some of them," Caroline said eventually in an almost sleepy tone.

"Some of what?" Kate queried as traces of nonsense patterns.

"Some of the million and one things I don't know about you."

Kate smile "what do you want to know?"

"Anything and everything" Caroline replied with uncharacteristic exaggeration.

"Well, I didn't vote for David Carmon, Failed A Level Chemistry and spent most of my teen years in love with Jacqueline du Pré."

Caroline was immediately entranced with the idea of an infatuated young Kate swooning over the renowned cellist, not for the first time she wishes her own childhood could reflect such natural revelations instead of being the peacemaker in the War of The Dawsons.

"The first and last I can understand. He's a tosser, and she was breathtakingly amazing, but I can't imagine you failing - you're too diligent."

"I simply couldn't wrap my head around anything beyond the structure of an atom. If its any consolation with you as my teacher I probably would have aced it. You usually have me at 'good morning' during Assembly. Imagine what you could do with the periodic table and complex reactions" Kate decided this was not the time to mention that most of her fantasies evolved variations of that theme.

Apparently, she wasn't too old to develop something of a fetish. Of course, a fixation implies a generalisable desire - for a trait rather than a person. Kate was always a firm believer that she was kind of person with no 'type' lesbian or otherwise. The appearance of Caroline Elliot challenges that theory considerably.

"I really wish I was awake enough to have a witty response to that" Caroline murmured sleepily, but her dancing eyes suggested she wasn't ignorant of or immune to Kate's desires.

"I'm sure you'll have plenty saved up by the time we head to Barcelona. We should get some sleep. There is nothing that won't keep till morning and fresh eyes. Can't have you falling asleep at the Inspectorate follow up, can we, Sweetheart?"

Even Caroline's legendary stamina had limits. The role of caretaker is a familiar but not unwelcome one now they are on an even keel.

Kate had immediately registered the telltale signs of many sleepless nights and hastily concealed tears. The organist was under no illusions that she looked any better, but at least she didn't have uncertain teenagers and multiple governance meetings to attend. If one can honestly pick a time to fall in love theirs was horrible; Kate often wonders about meeting Caroline when she was younger and freer. At the same time, she loves everything the other teacher is, children divorce and all. A newer Caroline wouldn't feel like the same astonishing woman.

"Will you stay?" Caroline punctuated her question with a soft kiss.

"Won't you mother have something to say about that?" Kate wouldn't put it past Celia to be hovering, though she had seemed bone tired and more than a little heartsick.

In this the resemblance between mother and daughter was striking.

"She and Michael Dobson can compare notes and announce the findings to the Inspectorate for all I care. I'm not giving you up" Caroline vowed with as much fierceness as she could while half asleep.

"Well I guess that's that then," Kate said lightly, trying not to show how deeply the implied promise had affected her.

"It's not true you know" Caroline continued as they finally moved to clean up their cups and plates. They shared a healthy respect for cleanliness and understanding of how teenagers can be without supervisions.

Many of her queer friends are disappointed that Kate hasn't become more of a social butterfly since coming out and the hard-fought acceptance from her family. The simple truth is sewing wild oats isn't really for her - whatever the colour.

A dull evening in reading the latest journals or marking endless essays feels like a victory rather than a compromise. Their first date 'out and proud' would feel like a massive achievement but there is satisfaction in these moments too.

"What my mother said about my feelings for you and my pathetic response to it. I do and always have thought the world of you. You've been more patient and kind then I will ever deserve" Caroline held up a hand to forestall Kate's interruption.

"No, it's true. I've been a shoddy girlfriend and an even worse friend, but I want you to know it was never because I lacked feelings for you, heck, sometimes just seeing you in the corridor was enough to make the worst day bearable and look for the most tenuous excuses to come and see you" Caroline confessed

"I did think it was rather suspicious that your email broke down quite so often, yes" Kate agreed as Caroline led her to the bedroom with a shy smile.

In fact if it wasn't for the ridiculous length that Caroline went to see her Kate was willing to write her feelings off as a hapless crush. However, their professions and jobs did not have enough in common to justify the headmistress seeking advice from a comparatively new language teacher. It would have been the source of envy amongst her colleagues if half of them didn't fear the wrath of the headmistress.

"vous éclairer ma parole et apporter de la joie à mon cœur" the sleepy French was neither grammatically correct nor exceptionally intelligible, but the almost casual confession still made Kate's heart swell.

"You bring light to my life as well - although we should discuss your sentence formation at some stage."

"I should get some credit for trying, Miss Mackenzie."

"Always, my darling, no sleep for a while."

Of course, that wasn't the end of things. Their relationship had many obstacles to confront and overcome. They were both too experienced to believe that true love conquered all or even stood up to the everyday reality of mortgages, bills and meetings.

Just for now contentment could be measured in a full night sleep in each other's arms. Together, come what may in the morning light.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Pacing The Cage

_ I never knew what you all wanted _

_ So I gave you everything _

_ All that I could pillage _

_ All the spells that I could sing _

_ It's as if the thing were written  _

_ In the constitution of the age _

_ Sooner or later you'll wind up _

_ Pacing the cage _

 

_ Sometimes the best map will not guide you _

_ You can't see what's round the bend _

_ Sometimes the road leads through dark places  _

_ Sometimes the darkness is your friend _

_ Today these eyes scan bleached-out land  _

_ For the coming of the outbound stage _

_ Pacing the cage _

_ Pacing the cage _

 

Pacing The Cage - Bruce Cockburn

 

 

"Oh Kate, I feel like I should come with a warning label."

 

Kate Mckenzie wants to be angry and resentful. Caroline's levels of self-deprecation and loathing are maddening. Dr Elliot spends hours champion their students' mental health and worth but cannot reflect anything on herself despite many accomplishments. Frankly, the first kiss was a visceral reaction to another sad smile and story about John's mistress. It's a small mercy that the headmistress isn't frantically claiming to be straight. This painful interaction isn't much better, but Kate's clinging to scraps of hope. 

 

"I think your faults and facilities are well on display Caroline without a neon sign..."

 

"and yet you..." there was almost an accusation in her voice. 

 

"and yet I still kissed you" Kate preempted the next comment. 

 

"Why on earth would you no that after you spend the last five months nursing me through depression and the implosion of my marriage?" 

 

"This may come to a shock to your Chemistry sensibilities, but I don't have an answer for you at least not one that will satisfy. I fancied you and took a chance as is my right as a single woman nearing 40" Kate offers with a shrug. 

 

"I honestly thought you were getting ready to end our friendship after so many months playing agony aunt to your boss" Caroline confesses with a shaky smile. 

 

"Well surprise?" Kate replies meekly 

 

"Indeed" 

 

"We aren't thirteen Caroline you can't just use up a friendship. If I were having trouble with how things were, I would sit and communicate like a functional adult, not just cut you out of my life. John and Julie, the novel groupie, did a number on your sense of self, didn't they?" 

 

"Truthfully I never liked myself very much, to begin with; my ex-husband is just one confirmation in a long line." 

 

***

 

"My Dad is deteriorating fast and most days doesn't recognise me or the fact he has a daughter." 

 

Caroline Eliot looks up from the budget report she is pretending to read. Despite all common sense, Kate decides to keep their ritual of regularly meeting after to work to share admin tasks. Beverly doesn't comment but starts stocking Kate's favourite tea. 

 

"Oh, I'm sorry, do you need me to arrange coverage. I'm sure we can find someone..." Caroline begins quickly 

 

"You know I think practicality is your superpower, Caroline," Kate says with a smile that is somewhere between tender and teasing.  

 

"I am a few decades past spandex thank you very much. Even when it was in fashion that craze passed me by, Ms McKenzie The boys have an entirely different name for my obsessive tendencies." 

 

"My dad is perfectly safe, where he is, increasing my presence isn't going to bring him any comfort. I am telling you this because for some reason you believe I'm a saint for putting up with you or putting together a broken creature." 

 

"I know you have your problems, Kate..."

 

"But you don't think I can understand the feeling of being messed up, vulnerable and insecure? or that anybody in that state, including you, deserves a chance at something new."

 

"I know that I'm so confused I could barely answer a Year 9 Maths equation right now. The idea of you having romantic feelings for me seems absurd."

 

 

***

 

"My ex-husband is a good man, and I almost convinced myself being a lesbian was a phase. For a half a second, I thought about having children with him and living in the closet."

 

"I took the path of least resistance, and it did not end well. What you did was brave even if the consequences were brutal at the time" Caroline offers in between bites of salad. 

 

Kate shrugs her shoulders "throw in a mix- immigrant family and the temptation was almost magnetic. The label of bisexual was appealing for a while. But it didn't fit any better than an ideal housewife. My dad got his head around the idea before he got sick,

which is something." 

 

Caroline almost shrinks into herself at the frank discussion. Kate knows that the older woman struggles to talk about such matters, and her parent's loveless marriage casts a long shadow over her current life.

 

"I can't imagine you choosing to marry anyone who didn't have plenty of redeeming qualities even if your relationship didn't work out." 

 

"My point is you don't need to have your self or identity figured out perfectly no matter how high your standards are. Good enough is a perfectly reasonable benchmark. Things can be messy and ill-defined even we are supposed to be grown-up." 

 

 

***

 

"Sometimes I want to quit teaching after listening to the Year 6s butcher French nouns for the 18th time that week. In the interest of full disclosure, I also want to punch your ex-husband in the nose." 

 

"Right, please don't do that, it would just provide the man with more material for another failed novel" Caroline quips half-seriously 

 

"He deserves it, showing you halfway to drunk and calling you old and frigid." 

 

"It's not unusual nowadays, but your litany of insults in an Italian was charming."

 

"Somewhere along the way you have come under the mistaken impression that I am some zen source or wisdom and calm" Kate said with a dissatisfied huff as she collapses into the chair.

 

"Is this going to become a regular thing with you coming here to dissuade me of that notion?" Caroline asks gently 

 

"I have to fall off that pedestal of yours at some stage."

 

"I honestly don't think you are perfect, Kate or even the ideal friend. Nothing you can do or say will change my belief that you are amazing and beautiful in equal measure."

 

"Even when I kiss you inappropriate places and times, possibly ruin a great friendship." 

 

"My words are even true at that moment and the many sleepless nights that followed that encounter." 

 

***

 

"I will struggle to be noble and generous if you decide to go back to John. Plenty of people do try and make a go of things, but I just thought you should know." 

 

Caroline gives her a curious look Kate pushes off from the other woman's car in the staff parking area. Fortunately, they are both working late again, and there is nobody else in the immediate area, not that seeing them together is such an unusual sight. This confrontation is still a terrible idea on multiple levels. 

 

"Kate..."

 

"Don't get me wrong I won't be a bunny boiler or start a campaign with playlists or anything but please don't expect me to be a shoulder to cry on, I'll be rubbish at it for a start..."

 

"Kate...

 

"I know we agreed not to do anything until things settle down with John and the boys and maybe you were just humouring me from the start but.." 

 

"Kate...

 

"The boys take priority of course..."

 

 

"Miss McKenzie!"

 

Kate stops abruptly at the sharp crack to Caroline's voice. Students shrink in terror from that tone, but the languages teacher wants to kiss her all over again. 

 

"My life is far from certain, and things with John are still a mess, but I'm not going to discard you on a whim either" Caroline offers "its a shite promise, but it's all I can offer. You mean something to me, Kate, even before you kissed me."

 

Kate struggles no to weep at the quiet sincerity in the tone. She doesn't know what brought on this sudden bout of insecurity. Maybe seeing John Elliot being up William or not having any meaningful progress with Caroline since the kiss. For all her pretty words and reassurance, her heart was in the relationship whatever came next. 

 

Caroline moves out from between the cars to close the distance between them. Before Kate can formulate a response, the older woman reaches and grasps her trembling fists. They stand there together in silence for a long while before Caroline leans forward and kisses her persistent but gentle. It takes her friend an embarrassingly long time to register the contact and respond enthusiastically. 

 

"I've wanted to do that for a week" Caroline whispers with a faint tremor in her voice. "You deserved a proper response when you kissed me last week, but I'm up for a rematch if you are?" 

 

"Oh, Caroline.."

 

Caroline transforms the embrace into a comforting hug brushing away at the stray tears. Kate feels the tension of the last week ease from her shoulders as she moves closer. There are plenty of problems still to solve, but this simple movement feels like a victory worth celebrating. 

 

"Take me home unless you want our conversation to compete with Lawrence gaming and William's choir practice."

 

Kate doesn't even bother to defend William's diligence. She isn't Miss Mckenzie, the devoted teacher tonight. All she wants is to kiss the other woman somewhere in private.

 

 

***

 

"Am I finally imperfect enough for you to be worthy of me?"

 

Kate Mckenzie doesn't mean to ask the question, but she is caught somewhere between happiness and sleepiness. Making out with Caroline Elliot for the last half hour is making her somewhat high. She wants to drag the other woman to the bedroom, but neither of them is ready for things to escalate quite yet. Snuggling with Caroline is almost as gratifying as finding new ways to kiss her and provoke sounds of pleasure. 

 

"Your unusual argument was somewhat compelling I'll grant you, Miss Mckenzie" Caroline concedes with a smile "Mainly I thought I'd be an idiot to let someone as wonderful as you go simply because I spent over 20 years afraid of my mother's judgements and the opinion of small-town Britain." there is long-buried pain in that statement. 

 

Kate hums in agreement before moving to snuggle closer and inhaling the scent of Carolyn's familiar perfume. Time together is a luxury that shouldn't be wasted even if they never progress beyond these little moments between everyday life. Every one of her (non-sexual) fantasies ends at this point with them merely being together the future is murky. 

 

"For the record, I fancy you too very much, from the moment you came into my office ranting about the depletion of the Languages Budget and the substandard software programmes. If memory serves me, that was your second or third week." 

 

"My point still stands about the budget, but I thought your reasons for calling me into your offices were statistically improbable - not that I minded playing along with the little games. My knowledge of interdepartmental functioning is in top form. Beverly gives me top marks every month and an extra cookie for my trouble." 

 

"I think her devotion has more to do with the fact that seeing you put the notoriously grouchy Dr Elliot in a much better mood. She may want to give you a civil service award for such bravery" Caroline disagrees. 

 

"You aren't nearly as fearsome as people think and you run one of the top charter schools in the district. Of course, you can't be everyone's friend all the time. It's not our colleagues who log all those extra hours to get us cushy benefits and leave allocations."

 

"Having you on my side makes even the worse budget screaming match or board report worthwhile doing. I frequently wish we met earlier in the piece." 

 

"We are hardly ancient. We have plenty of time to figure things out between us. I am counting today as a firm victory. We can move to whatever place you need slow or fast. All I want is to have a chance to explore these feelings." 

 

"If we are going to do this. I'm not going to hide away or keep you in the proverbial closet. Once William and Lawerence are settled, we can make a plan. I'll ask the board to reassign your performance reviews as a matter of course; our friendship is a conflict enough. It should be a problem.

 

"Practical to your core.." Kate repeats with a kind smile 

 

The kiss that Caroline offers in reply is far from practical. 


	3. A Wonderful Time Of Year

Christmas and the festive season feel different without the boys. 

 

When you are a parent, even of teenager boys, December tends to follow a precise formula of relatives, refreshments and red wrapping paper. In the past, the Elliot family were no different. William and Lawrance were the centre of attention and usually got most of their vastly different Christmas lists. John would always play amateur rugby (badly) in the yard with the kids and Caroline and her mother would remain civil for the entire 24 hours. 

 

This year the days are almost unrecognisable. Caroline makes a token effort with the tree and a few lights but nothing more. John (the fun parent) is the one that enjoys such things. 

 

For one thing, her new house is ridiculously quiet, and aside from the solitary tree with a few presents, there is no sign of the holidays. After many quarrels, fights and expensive lawyers fees, Caroline and John have custody and visiting arrangement. He is still drinking far too much and making noises about reconciling but there is no hope of that. The family tensions are still high for a joint Christmas, and John parents are too fail to a) travel and b) cope with the worst side of their son. The boys quietly suggest that they have an Elliot family Christmas and do a celebration with her in the new year.

 

Surprisingly Caroline is actively going to miss her mother, but Allen Buttershaw whisks his wife away for a holiday while they are both well. Their 'second chance at love' thing means taking advantage of fair weather. Gillian is meeting her for a drink later in the week once chores on the farm finish for the day, but in practice, she is spending Christmas week alone. 

 

_ "Are you going to be okay, Mum." _

 

" _ Of course, Darling. I am so proud of you for recognising the needs of your Elliot family and adapting to this new arrangement. Next year we can have a great adventure to make up for it." Caroline says fiercely.  _

 

_ "Nana Elliot is going to love the shortbread you brought for her. We will call on Christmas Day you can have a chat to her then. I'll send lots of photos." _

 

William, her sensitive boy, recognises that this adjustment will be hard for his mother on multiple levels. The years with John weren't all bad, and she genuinely likes her former in-law family. 

 

***

 

Caroline wants to make a special effort with Kate this week. 

 

Their relationship is still in some form of limbo. Steadfast Kate Mckenzie is her sounding board for all Caroline's problems from parenting to philandering husbands. The languages teacher didn't complain when she assumes the role to 'occasional kissing buddy'. Sometimes Caroline thinks her teenage have better communication than she does when it comes to woman. 

 

Kate doesn't seem to enjoy the holidays, but they haven't got a chance to talk about why beyond the normal stresses of being an adult at this time of year. The Mckenzie family were close, but things were becoming increasingly difficult with her father. Her mother is struggling with caregiving duties and becomes distant. Caroline wants to spoil her a little as a sign of gratitude and care. 

 

Debbie, her assistant, is a miracle worker. The woman is the soul of discretion and doesn't say a word about Kate's frequent lunch visits. She makes vague references to plays and choir that Kate might want to see. The woman goes so far as placing advertisements on her desk with big red circles. All the staff are aware of a lesser or greater extent of this relationship, but nobody comments. 

 

Caroline is no romantic or poet who can make big gestures, but she wants to personalise the time too. The one aspect of their relationship that Kate wants to change is their amount of time together. Perhaps, she can learn from her mother and act bravely for once rather than doing the conventional thing. It saddens her that there are no female friends to can confide in, everyone drifts away after Oxford. Instead, she calls the newest confidante in her life. 

 

" _ Caroline Sweetheart, are you missing the boys? Is John making a scene again? Do you want us to turn around its not too late? Celia offers in a rush.  _

 

" _ Of course I mess them Mum, but I'm doing fine. I wanted to tell you that things are going to be different now. It's not going to be like Oxford, Kate deserves better, and the years have given me more courage. She is going to become more a fling you don't need to acknowledge."   _ Caroline says the words firmly but gently. 

 

_ "The years and reuniting with Allan gives me clarity as well. If this Kate makes you happen, then you have my support. Invite her to dinner when we get home, Darling."  _

 

Caroline wipes away at stray tears, wishing with every fibre of her being, that this acceptance could have come earlier for her younger self. It's not the woman in her forties that need these comments the most. There is still comfort in knowing that her remaining parent is on her side in this next phase. 

 

***

 

Kate isn't returning her calls.

 

Dr Carolinr Elliot is not one to panic easily. This last year is an anomaly in her ordinarily calm demeanour if Celia Dawson teaches her daughter anything it is how to remain stoic in the face of personal heartache. Of course, her mother to this life advice to an unhealthy extreme but that's beside the point. Her plans with Kate were flexible and tentative; there was no point in interrupting McKenzie family festivities. They weren't an official couple after all. Still, it was unlike her fellow teacher to ignore her entirely without warning. 

 

They both have an aversion to traditional 'couple' things because both of them are stoic, private people by nature. Their reluctance to be out in public isn't entirely due to Caroline being uncomfortable with the notion. Kate still has her divorce and the late in life coming out to work through. Yet, she doesn't want to presume that Kate wants to see her at this time. 

 

Still, she stands in front of Kate's house, getting ready to knock. Her instincts tell her that something is wrong and this isn't a typical absentminded avoidance. Caroline feels like a nervous woman on a first date but refuses to back down. 

 

"I'm not good to be around Caroline, can you come back in a few days?"

 

Caroline Elliot may be new to the practice of dating woman and somewhere between in and out of the closet, but she knows enough not to comment. It's not difficult to work out that Kate is having a dreadful time. She looks so far from her typical cheerful self that it makes Caroline's heartache. There are big circles under her eyes, and her hair is moving in about eight different directions. Her forehead is creasing with permanent frown lines. 

 

"What's wrong, Kate?" 

 

Caroline has fallen into a destructive habit of imagining the worse case scenarios. Since John reveals his affair and the remarkable talents of Judith as a muse, the unexpected is not welcoming in any way. 

 

"I brought my dad over for Christmas, and it is a disaster on multiple levels. He is angry and belligerent and cannot pick me out of a police line up. 30 quid of meat and other food is going to waste while I wash the sheets for the third time. 

 

"Oh, sweetheart let me help."

 

Surprisingly Kate almost falls into the embrace that Caroline offers, not bothering to conceal her tears. Caroline rocks her gently, mentally rearranging her grand plans for date night. Practical comfort is far more critical than pretty lights and candles. 

 

"No, it's okay. This chaos is nothing I haven't done before. I need a little breather from the routine, you know." Kate whispers

 

"I'm coming in and doing dishes or something equally practical. I know my way around a washing machine and linen cupboard. I'll do you a grilled cheese sandwich with the source you love." Caroline insists 

***

 

"Hello Mr Mckenzie, how are you feeling today?"

 

Caroline doesn't have much experience with dementia. Her father's affliction was of different sought, and her grandparents were gone too early to leave an impression. Besides the Dawson family moto was not to talk about uncomfortable subjects. She can see the resemblance between father and daughter, in the cheekbones and jawline. Caroline hasn't summoned the courage to speak about the future with Kate, but she wonders how old age will treat Kate, is this form of dementia spontaneous or hereditary. 

 

"Who are you?"

 

Caroline sinks to her knees, thankful for her casual clothes and shoes. Kate hovers in the doorway, ready to intervene at a moments notice. Caroline realises that this a meaningful moment in their relationship. There is the unmistakable smell of urine, but she ignores trying to preserve his dignity. 

 

"My name is Caroline, and I am a friend of your daughter, Kate. I'm visiting her for the holidays. 

 

"Katie is so pretty she is going to do so well at school, sings with the voice of an angel, gets that from her mother's family. I can't sing to save myself." Mr McKenzie eyes light up with pleasure. 

 

"You must be so proud. Kate is wonderful and will make any parent proud." Caroline agrees with a smile. 

 

"Who are you? Where am I?"

 

"I am a friend of your daughter, Kate. We are spending time together at her house on Christmas day. You were telling about how pretty Katie is and how she sings." Caroline repeats slowly but carefully. 

 

***

 

"The sheets are in the wash. and your dad is asleep."

 

Truthfully Caroline Elliot relishes having practical things to accomplish in this sad house. She cannot claim to be the most emotionally literate person on the planet, but she can do dishes and change sheets. It's not difficult to guess what happened. The untouched, fancy, food and knocked over plans and papers. Kate's hopes of a joyous Christmas meal/sleepover with her father were in ruins. Caroline almost absently cuts the meat into packets for lunch and divides the sides into small portions. There is no sense in wasting good food when she can do the task. 

 

"For about 20 minutes until the 'sundown' restlessness' hits. I should have listened to the nursing staff. There is no way I can handle him on day visits anymore." Kate mutters darkly. 

 

"There is nothing wrong with wanting to do something beautiful for your dad. You do a fantastic job with Kate McKenzie. I'm no expert, but I see the way you try and adapt this house to fit his needs and the small library of books on dementia care. You are practically earning a degree between marking."

 

Kate doesn't accept the compliments, but her shoulders relax slightly, and she moves closer, letting her weary head rest against Caroline's shoulder. Caroline wipes at the few stray tears before whispering. 

 

"I'll stay the night and help you with him in the morning. The caregiving staff are coming at 9 am so we can have breakfast together. I'll read him to him from that economics book he likes so much. 

 

 

"I'm sorry about ruining Christmas for you." 

 

Caroline pauses with her spoonful of icecream midway to her lips. Their dinner turns into low maintenance and fast affair. It's far from the romantic gesture that Caroline envisions but its what Kate needs which makes all the difference. The ice cream is surprisingly comforting with hot source and notes. She didn't have many sleepovers but tonight has that feel about it. Celia wouldn't the approval of the dinner choices now either. 

 

"You haven't ruined anything, Kate. I'm glad to help. Please call me if something like that happens again. Even if you need a break and I can read to your father to keep him calm."

 

"Surely cleaning up urine and dodging blows couldn't be your idea of an exciting time? I'm hardly festive date material." Kate gestures at the food stains.

 

"Not particularly, but I wanted to spend time with you in whatever form that takes. You shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself any more. Not at this time of year or any other. Let me help you and prove that myself worthy of the title of girlfriend. " Caroline insists with a sad smile. 

 

"It's nothing I haven't been doing for years now. You can't just waltz in and fix everything like a chemistry equation. Believe me; this is a mild day in comparison to some of his truly terrible outbursts." Kate says in absolute defeat. 

 

Caroline moves to sit beside her taking the hands that ball into frustrated fists around her spoon, seating aside from the rapidly melting treat. 

 

"I know that sweetheart. What I'm saying is that I want to be there for all the worst times as well. You mean more to me than a few dirty weekends and the emergence of my latent sexuality. If that's all I wanted, I would follow John's lead and find the nearest willing grad student. " Caroline offers earnestly. 

 

"Oh, please don't. A student wouldn't challenge you enough and call you on your temper tantrums and snobbish ways. " 

 

 

***

 

The moments are beautiful. 

 

Kate is so exhausted and emotionally wrung out that she fell asleep in the middle of ice cream and chocolate source. Caroline doesn't mind being a human pillow; she only moves them slightly on the couch so that Kate's lean frame is comfortable. The headmistress listens to the ancient time clock as it ticks away the minutes in companionable silence. Caroline wishes she brought a book or a journal article to read, but she doesn't want to risk disturbing her lover. Kate McKenzie, the caretaker, is useless at taking care of herself. 

 

"I will do my best to be a better partner to you going forward, love. No more dates that turn into therapy sessions and making out in the shadows in between other things." Caroline whispers into the stillness. 

 

Caroline is a scientist and chemistry teacher down to her bones, but she amuses herself reading the titles in Kate's bookshelf. There is a mixture of French and Italian titles, well worn and read. The number of lesbian and queer titles make her smile Kate is far braver and open than she about such things. Caroline hasn't spent much time in this place without having an ulterior motive of some kind from panicking to sex. 

 

"Are you reciting the periodic table backwards?" 

 

Caroline feels a flush as Kate gazes up at her sleepily. Its a relief to see the worry lines are less distinct after some sleep. She looks adorable curling into the pillow with her commonly tamed hair tumbling wildly. There is a level of intimacy that comes with sharing quiet moments. 

 

"Yes. It's a habit since school. I can impress you by reordering them by weight and origin date too." Caroline laughs with a shrug. 

 

"You are such a science geek, Caroline Elliot."

 

"Didn't you know that geeks are dominating the world now and getting all the pretty girls now, there are shows about it and everything," Caroline says with mock authority. 

 

"Is that so Dr Elliot, were you planning on wooing many girls with your grasp of atomic weights and chemical composition?" Kate breaks in a fit of giggles. 

 

"Just one pretty girl, Miss Mckenzie, just one. Besides, you are not one to talk with your multiple copes of European philosophers in different languages." Caroline teases. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
